Asides

===================================================
Dave if you’ve gotten this far, thank you. This thing will not be easy to read, I still haven’t figured out how to format the word processor here, or even to change fonts… “A font, a font, my kingdom for a font.” I don’t think Shakespeare has anything to worry about.

This story also jumps around a little near the end, it could use quite a bit more explanation, but you know it well.
============================================

David had become one of the best friends which I’ve ever had because we been through some tough times together. I’d been with him during his divorce, and then he had been with me during mine. We were totally opposites: he was easy-going and I was intense, he was eloquent and I was concise. He was more brilliant having a quick mind, I was more analytical. In baseball terms he was finesse pitcher taking his time and getting to understand better. I was a power pitcher, daring the batter to get wood on the ball.

Dave and I were sharing a house just off campus, and we nicknamed it the Clubhouse. It was Dave’s fault, the first time we saw it, he said that it would look perfect, with a couple of Harley’s out front and empty beer cans strewn all over the lawn.

The Clubhouse had not come furnished, but that wasn’t a problem for a couple of enterprising bachelors and a pickup truck. It’s amazing what you can find at a Goodwill store, and we particularly liked shopping in the big green bargain bin just behind the Goodwill store. So the lazy boy chairs didn’t really work, and thankfully the drapes for the Windows were extra-large, because we had to staple quite a few of the pleats together to hide all of the rips, tears, and cigarette burns. David did add one interesting piece of furniture, a Lava Lamp. I’ve never seen one before, and thankfully have not seen one since.

About a month after we moved in together, Dave became scarce at nights. That didn’t surprise me, Dave had a way with people, particularly women. But there was another change in him, for the first time since his divorce he seemed happy. Needless to say, I was very worried.

There was more to it than that, as whenever he talked about his new Lady his voice would become soft and he had a faraway look in his. I had expected the normal locker room bravado about her physical attributes, but all he wanted to talk about was how caring she was and how being with her took the stress away.

He came in one night with his Cheshire cat grin on, and I knew something was up. He wanted something from me, it wasn’t money because I was broke. I honestly doubted it he wanted my body, so it had to be my mind. “Hey my friend, my good buddy, how long have we known each other, three years or so, and we been through a lot together.”

Me: “You might as well get on with it. I’ve heard your sales pitches before.”

Dave: “Well I know a young lady, very nice young lady that needs help with economics. So naturally I thought of you.”

Me: “A young lady, so not the older lady with the Corvette you were zipping around with a couple months ago? Or the other young lady that was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, she seems very nice but when she laughs she sounded like a seal.”

Dave shook his head: “No not them. This one is a real lady. A very nice lady who could really use some help.”

I didn’t think much of it at first, I was always very careful about using the phrase Lady… It was the days of the Commodore song once, twice, three times lady. And I wasn’t all that thrilled to take on extra work, particularly since he hadn’t said anything about money.

Dave smile even got broader: “By the way you might not know her but she knows you. Apparently you subbed for a professor some time ago, and she thought you were had done very well.”

I remembered the class. I was in professor Groves’ office trying to get him to write a letter recommendation for grad school. He got a phone call that his little girl had a hot appendix… it seem like an even trade. But Econometrics was a bear to take, and harder to tutor.

Dave seemed to sense what I was thinking: “You don’t have to, you could just sit around here and mope.”

I looked up: “Touché”

Dave: “By the way you’re normally free about noon, right? Good she’ll meet you in the student union in those booths off the second floor.”

Me: “How will I know her, there were 30 people in the class and half of them were females?”

Dave: “I wouldn’t worry about it, she knows you. And just how many young ladies do you have coming up to you on any given day and asking for your help in this economics and mathematics? But just in case her name is Julie.”

I’d made it to the student union, grabbed a cup of coffee, and I just sat down in a small booth on the second floor. That’s when she came up and she was wearing a white sweatshirt/pant combo that had the logo “Elan” on it. It was the latest thing and she also had one of the latest backpacks the bookstore was selling. She came up and said: “Hi I’m Julie and your Dan aren’t you?”

Me: “That’s what my mother always called me. Have a seat.”

She sat down and started talking quite quickly. As she chatted about the problems, and how confusing they were, I nodded and told her that Grove’s Econometrics class was where Econ majors went to die. So we started from the beginning, with the basic concepts, and it quickly dawned on me that she was intelligent but she thought eclectically, fine for English classes but not so useful mathematic ones. So I concentrated on having her think in straight lines and she started picking up on it surprisingly fast.

It wasn’t until after noon, when Julie had to leave, and although I had told her several times that she had gone through everything that would be on the test she still wasn’t hopeful.

As we were walking out, she mentions that she also had another midterm next week. I asked her what, and she said, “American history. It’s all about the Civil War, and we’re at the very beginning with old what’s-his-name. They had a song about him.”

Me: “Old John Brown. His raid on Harpers Ferry. And his speech on the gallows, about the country being purified in blood.”

Julie stopped and stared at me. “You mean you know about that stuff to?”

I shrugged: “A little bit you could say. If you want we can go over some of the stuff.”

Julie: “That would be nice too…”

I tutored her fairly regularly for the next couple of weeks. She worked very hard to understand the concepts involved. And the only trouble we ever had was when Dave stopped by. Discussing things like coefficient correlations was absolutely pointless. When I finally objected to his presence Dave would tell Julie: “He’s right you should get to work.” And she would reply: “I guess so, he can be such a grouch.”

On her first midterm she had gotten a C. I promised her she’d do better. The next time I saw her she was walking on air, or dancing on air, she had gotten an A, I was very proud of her, that wasn’t an easy thing to do.

She began thanking me and asking if there was anything she could do in return. I kept telling her no, and I meant it. Just seen her face light up was more than enough.

That night when I came back to the clubhouse to car was parked in the driveway. I had a feeling, I just file with my ex that I didn’t really want to be around anyone.

When I walked in I found that things were really cooking. There was a frying pan on the stove with something sizzling in it, and there were two overgrown primates in the middle of the kitchen, also sizzling.

I waited, I had to admire their stamina. “That’s quite some oral examination, since you don’t have braces, were your tongues tied in a knot?”

They stopped kissing and looked my way, still holding each other. Dave mumbled, “Crude, isn’t he.”

Julie laid her head on his chest, “Disgusting.”

Me: “You’re just noticing that?”

They began to sway, as if they were dancing, but I couldn’t hear the music. Dave: “Babe wanted to thank you for the tutoring session; she actually got a B on the Midterm. So we’re here to cook you a decent meal, like it or not.”

It was a nice gesture, I didn’t know why it bothers me so much. “About the grade, well I’m proud of you. But this really isn’t necessary.” When I saw it was going on deaf ears I added, “And I already had a bite, but thank you for the thought.”

Dave sighed. “See, I told you he’d say that, and I told you he’d be lying. The boy is an independent, stubborn sort.”

Julie broke loose, a little, and turned to me, folding her arms under her breasts. “Mr. Dan came here because I want to do this for you, for both of you, a nice home cooked meal. Now, is that such a crime?”

I waved my hands in mock surrender. “Alright I yield. I would like very much for you to cook us, er, me dinner.”

Julie grew about six inches taller, “I finally beat the old boar! And I actually thought you’d put up a real fight. Ha! Now, what would like for dinner?”

I may lose, but I’m never beaten. “A Blond.”

Julie’s face froze. Dave caught loudly and asked, “You don’t happen to have a blond wig, do you Babe?”

Julie had these red hot eyes. “Sorry, you’ll have to go down to one of the local street corners for that.”

I apologized. “I couldn’t help myself.”

She sighed. “We brought some hamburger and lasagna noodles, but I can’t find a lasagna pan. Babe said this was all you have, the frying pan and this big pot.”

Dave said it a little too loud; I knew he was trying to tell me to play along: “I’ve tried to tell her that we don’t have any pots and pans except the pot Maria threw at me, and the frying pan Anna threw at you.”

The thing is that I don’t mind lying, when it will get someone else in trouble. “Non-sense, we’ve got all of those other pots and pans we picked up, remember? Here, over in this cupboard.”

Dave was standing behind Julie shaking his head, until she suddenly turn and looked at him, and went into his innocent smile.

I opened up the corner cupboard. “We got a ton of stuff, it’s not brand new, but they’ll work, I think.”

Julie came over and actually picked up one of the dented, dust covered, grease coated pans. She went pale. “Where did you get these things?”

I answered before Dave could ruin it. “At a second hand store, well, not in the store. They were in the bargain bin around back.”

She’d gone a little pale. “You mean their dumpster? Of course you did, you couldn’t buy them this way, even from a fourth hand store.”

Dave still had hopes of getting laid. So she was still looking in the cupboard Dave glared at me. I had never known David to be angry, but I was sure he wasn’t happy.”

Julie dropped the pot with a clang. She looked at us with bewilderment. “What do you guys eat? Just hot dogs?”

While Dave was busy thinking up a good lie, I decided that I would tell the truth, after all, I had no hope of getting laid. “Naw, we eat real good.” I opened up a top cupboard, filled with cans. “Some nights we just eat chili. Good stuff. Plastic spoons, No dishes.”

Julie “You eat it raw? Straight from the can?”

Me. “Sometimes for dinner, sometimes for breakfast. There is nothing like a cold can of spicy chili to get you moving in the morning.” I went over to the oven, ignoring the menacing face Dave was giving me. “Sometimes we splurge, and have some of the frozen chicken. It takes a little longer but it’s nice for a change. And again, no dishes.”
I opened up the oven and watched Julie’s face melt. There was a baking pan on the center rack. It had four inch sides, of which there was about an inch of freeboard before the grease was going to pour out. “We started looking for another pan like this though, in a month or two it’s going to be full, and then we’ll just ditch it.”

She mumbled something about ‘health inspectors’ and turned on Dave. I guess she had higher expectations of him.

Dave began to do some of the smoothest dancing I had ever seen. He REALLY wanted to get laid. “Babe, he’s joking. That’s his, I never used it.”

I helped. “Sorry old buddy didn’t mean to rat on you.”

Dave: “Alright Babe, a couple of times. But not since I met you. Since that day I’m a changed man. Honest to God.”

She sighed, let him take her in his arms. “I think I met you in the nick of time. I’d hate to think that you could end up like the wild boar over there.”

She said “Opps, can’t let this hamburger burn.”

Me: “Poor thing, I bet all she’s known is hamburger. Old hamburger. Well, if you ever want to try prime rib, just call.”

Even from the back I could tell she was blushing.

Dave mouthed the word ‘asshole’ at me. I blew him a kiss.

Julie finished and turned to Dave. “You’re right Babe, will just have to have Spaghetti.

You’re going to have to go to the store again.”

Me: ‘Sounds great, I think they have big cans of Chef-Boy-r-Dee.”
I’m not sure that a spatula covered with hot grease is considered a deadly weapon, but it should be. “Sorry.”

Dave grabbed his coat and Julie ran down the things that she needed. “All we have here is hamburger, and the salad makings. I think all we need is the noodles, oh and Mushrooms.”

Me: “You eat fungus? A distant relative of Jock Rot?”

She put her head on Dave’s chest. “This is going to be so hard Babe.”

“I know, remember, just relax and think of peaceful things.”

I asked Dave: “Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, I can do this by myself, you can help out around here.”

“Aren’t you afraid that I’m going to ravish her while you’re gone?”

“No, I’m afraid that she’s going to kill you before I get back.”

Julie was busy at the stove, yet she looked up at me and smile. “Oh, we got some beer, Babe said it was the kind you like.”

I thanked her, I needed it. It was the kind I like, and it wasn’t all that cheap.

She asked, “I don’t mean to pry, but why don’t you guys have any pots and stuff?”

The cold beer tasted so good. “We both were just happy to get out. When you get married, you promise to take care of your wife. And then things change, resentment and distrust build, and it eats away at both of you like a cancer. One morning you just have to get out, but the guilt is still there. Dave likes to say that I bought my way out by giving her everything we had. I won’t deny it, but he did the same.”

She was just moving the hamburger around now, it was already brown. “Can I ask, I mean I shouldn’t pry, but Babe…? I mean Dave won’t talk about it, well I haven’t asked, it doesn’t seem right, but…”

“You want to know exactly why they broke up, Dave and Maria. He figures you’re going to ask, that’s why he left us alone. They broke up for the same reason I did. It comes down to feeling of betrayal. In our case it wasn’t infidelity, it was worse. In both of our case though I stopped taking the pill I didn’t tell us. The idea of bringing children in to marriage that’s rocky… Well that to both of them seemed like a good idea. They wanted to wait till he was out of school, and frankly before we got married my ex and I agreed not to have children. At least not yet. To be honest I’m not sure I want children at all.”

She looked up at me.

“My families is known for two things, one is that were fairly intelligent but there’s a lot of mental illness. Part of me is just worried about that.”

After a moment, she asked if I was enjoying the beer.

“Very much, thank you. Can I get you one?”

She smiled. “NO, I can’t stand those dark beers, they’re all for you. Babe and I have some wine.”

I asked, “Is there anything I can do? I know the male image is to sit, drink beer, have flatulence and watch the women folk work, but I’d really rather be doing something.”

She thought about it a moment, I think she was trying to decide whether she could trust me around her food. “Oh, I know. Babe and I bough some salad makings: Lettuce and some nice looking tomatoes, I don’t know where they get them at this time of year. Err, you do know what salad is, don’t you?”

Me: “Of course I do, I watch skinny people eat those things all the time.”

“They’re good for you.”

“How can they be? Have you ever seen a rabbit bench press his own weight?”

That made her stop, she was developing this odd twitch in her mouth, like it wanted to smile, but she wouldn’t let it. I asked nicely, “alright I’ll be nice just what would you like me to do?’

“Tear that head of lettuce up and put it in that big bowl, it’s actually clean. And then chop up the tomatoes and add them too.”

I told her alright and went over, found a knife, made sure she saw me wipe it on my shirt, and grabbed the head of lettuce.

“Don’t do THAT! You tear the lettuce, don’t cut it!”

Since she was far enough away, I lifted the knife, and as it came down I yelled ‘Banzi’, splitting the head in two.

“Dan, DAN, DAN… you’re not suppose to cut lettuce, it does something to it… you have to tear it.”

I bent over and put my ear next to the lettuce. “I don’t think it really cares.”

I started chopping like some kind of mad chef, and Julie took a step back. I don’t think it was from fear, I think she was just dodging the flying lettuce.

Dave came back in carrying a small sack of groceries.

Julie pointing, “He’s mad, completely mad.”

Me, in an awful French accent, “I just cannot work with this woman… she is too constraining, I can not create my master piece.”

Dave: “And I hurried to get home.”

He walked past me and gave her a kiss. I complained. “She gets a kiss, and I didn’t get anything.”

Dave: “Well if you insist.”

Julie: “Don’t you dare… I’ll walk out right now.”

Dave: “Sorry, son, I didn’t really want to anyway.”

They kissed for a while and then he showed her what he’d bought. She praised him for everything. A bit of a shock for me, that wasn’t Anna’s style.

I felt left out. I had finished with the lettuce and picked up a tomato. Any attention is better than no attention at all… the famous bad boy syndrome.

A moment later, Julie’s, voice went up several octaves. “WHAT is he doing?”

Dave glanced over, “What did you tell him to do?”

Julie: “All I said was to tear up the lettuce and chop the tomatos.”

Dave: “So of course he chopped the lettuce now he’s trying to tear the tomatoes.”

Julie: “He’s sick.”

Dave: “Yes, but useful. He’s something of an idiot savant… And right now he’s more the idiot part.”

You can’t tear tomatoes. You make an awful mess. I threw the mess in with the lettuce. “I hope it tastes better than it looks. Not that I care, I hadn’t planned on eating it anyway. Who wants to graze?”

Julie defiantly took a step towards me. “Babe, get him OUT of my kitchen?”

ME: “YOUR kitchen?”

She was tapping her foot, it reminded me of a bull pawing the grown. “Do you want me to stop cooking? Do you really want that canned stuff?”

I grabbed another beer. “Game, Set, and Match. I’ll go in the living room and pout, either that or brood. Maybe pout first, brood later.”

I went into the living room and sat down. I enjoyed their company so much, but it was tiring, as if I was trying to keep up an act.

Dave came in, sat down on the arm of his chair. “You like her don’t you?”

I nodded. “Yes, yes I do. There’s kindness and compassion, and the joy of a child.”

Dave: “Thank you. Oh and did you see your note at the office?”

Me: “Yes, she wants money. Did you see your note?”

Dave nodded: “Yes she needs money to. She just won’t believe I’m flat broke, hell Julie was one of paid for the spread.”

Julie came in and said it was almost ready, then she asked what we’d been talking about.

Me: “Ex’s wanting money, and refusing to move on. Why? Want to join in?”

Julie looked down at the floor, and then back up. “At least mine doesn’t want money. He says he just wants me back.”

Dave stood up and went next to her. In a soft voice he said, “We can’t blame him for that.”

When they went to kiss, I added, “I can understand him wanting your back, but wouldn’t he want your front too?”

It worked, I stopped them. I really wasn’t being mean, but the smell of the food made me hungry.

We sat down at the table and I was impressed. She had done everything she could to set the table in a civilized manner. The table cloth was yesterday’s school paper, the napkins were paper towels, but there were real plates, no two had the same design, but they were real. And the crowning touch was the silver ware (Dave was right; we must have had them somewhere). There was an open bottle of wine and two glasses (coffee mugs), and an open bottle of beer for me. The real surprise was the French bread, it was hot and covered with butter. She must have used the oven.

I motioned over, “What happen to the pan that was in there? You didn’t use it did you?”

Julie shuddered. “We won’t discuss that pan, but since Babe said you guys stopped using, I got rid of it.”

The spaghetti was good, actually very very good. Dave took some of the salad, but then he was trying to make nice. She stared in the salad bowl, gave me a look that could shrink any man’s… pride.

I should have known. I was enjoying myself to much. And then it happened.
I had that awful feeling. The phone rang.

When I came back. “I’m sorry. I’m going to have to take off. And I do mean I’m sorry, I was enjoying this very much. The food and the company.”

Julie genuinely looked sad, but she smiled and said that there would be plenty of the leftover spaghetti and it would be good even cold. And then next time maybe she could cook lasagna.

I grabbed my jacket and went out into the cold November night.

Seven hours later, at 3:30 in the morning, Julie sat in the hospital waiting room, her head down quietly crying. For a second I couldn’t help thinking how our place she looked. And then I realized, anyone would look out of place in a hospital waiting room, except me.

I picked up a box of Kleenex and went over and knelt next to her. She tried to say thank you for the Kleenex, and I broke one of my cardinal rules. I put my hands on hers and looked in her eyes. I told her: “It’s late, you need to go home. Everything that can be done is being done.”

Julie’s voice broke: “Is she going to be all right?”

I tried to reassure her: “I think so. But it’s been a rough night… Long Nights Journey into Day.” Before there was any more commotion, I helped her up and walked her out to her car. I promised her several times that I would call her and let her know how things were going. I held the car door opened while she climbed in.

ME: “All I can tell you is to keep the faith, the promise of tomorrow. And before you say it, don’t worry I’ll keep an eye on Dave.”

I watched her drive away and went back into the hospital. Dave was standing there with his eyes leaking.

Dave: “did she head home?”

Me: “Yes, but only after I promised her I’d keep an eye on you. And I understand now she’d be very easy Lady to fall in love with.”

I grabbed a couple of Kleenex and gave it to him. “Dry your eyes get your act together. We ain’t done yet.”